Evil Weasel
by xotakux2002x
Summary: this is why a weasel should not be allowed to keep weasels for pets XD itachi, a tiny bit of kisaita in the first part, and a bit of sasuke bashing as well! rated for hidan's language, as always
1. Chapter 1

A.N.: for those of you who are unaware, itachi translates as "weasel" (hence the jokes later on). for those of you interested, kisame means, "pure shark". now then; on with the show!

"I'm keeping it."

"Absolutely not."

"It's coming home."

"Itachi, that's sick."

"How is it sick?"

Kisame and Itachi were arguing over a small ball of fluff that was currently sleeping in Itachi's arm.

"Because, Itachi," Kisame went on, "a weasel can't have a weasel for a pet!" The said animal woke up and growled at Kisame, as if it could sense the shark's hostility.

"But I like it," Itachi stated, petting the animal.

Kisame gave it a flat look when he saw how the rodent merely rubbed against his partner, enjoying the attention. _"I guess weasels have to stick together…"_

"So, that's that." Itachi turned around and began walking along the road in the direction of the base with the animal still in his hands.

"Itachi, that thing's wild!"

"Does this look like a wild animal to you?" the weasel asked, holding the other weasel at arm's length.

"You don't even know what gender it is!" Itachi raised a brow, then unceremoniously flipped the animal over. "It's female." Kisame gave up and allowed the three to head back to the base.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~weeks later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Itachi and his weasel, who was named Weasel, were in the kitchen, with the animal on the table and the Uchiha going through the cabinets, trying to figure out what to feed his pet. Hidan walked into the room and snickered at the sight. "A weasel keeping a weasel for a pet." He walked over to Weasel and tried to pet the rodent, only to have it hiss and snap at him. "Damn, what the hell's with this thing? It's dangerous as all hell!"

"Weasel is perfectly well trained," Itachi said, not bothering to turn around.

"Huh? You mean like the bitch'll sit and roll over and all that crap?" Hidan asked, clearly intrigued.

"Not exactly," Itachi replied, pulling out a box of crackers.

"Show me, dammit."

"Alright. Weasel (the animal's ears perked up) sick 'em." Weasel hissed and lunged at the Jashinist's face, teeth digging into the immortal's nose.

"Ow!!! Jashin dammit, help me. You mother-"

"Hidan, what is it now?" Pein yelled from his office.

"OWW! The fu-OW! Weasel's biting me!"

"Itachi?!"

"The weasel!"

"Itachi, quit biting Hidan."

"It's not me," Itachi called out.

"Bastard!" Hidan screamed.

"Itachi, I said stop."

"Not that damn weasel, the weasel!" Hidan yelled. "OWW! Little bitch just-hey, where the hell are you going?!" Weasel merely hissed and crawled up his pants leg. "MOTHER FU-OWWWWW!!" Hidan doubled over as the rodent crawled out, after having bitten a very sensitive area. "Good weasel," Itachi said, feeding his pet a cracker.

~~~~~~~~~time passes in weasel hell~~~~~~~~~~~

"Kisame, Sasori, the pizza guy, Kakuzu, Kisame, Deidara, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame. Are those all the weasel attacks?" Pein asked, reading off the list as Konan dabbed iodine on the bites wounds marring his cheek.

"You only said my name 86 times. Weasel's nailed me 89," Kisame growled, adjusting the gauze on his arm.

"Sorry about that," Itachi muttered, petting the weasel on his lap.

"That weasel has to go," Pein announced with finality, glaring at the Uchiha.

"Weasel's perfectly trained-"

"TO KILL!" Hidan interjected.

"You people have just provoked her into attacking you." As if to emphasize his point, Weasel flipped over so Itachi could pet her belly. "See?"

"That thing only likes you!" Kisame spat out. "It hates the rest of us, especially me. I can't even get near you without getting my face gnawed off!"

"Wait, it hates Kisame? And it only likes Itachi?" Konan asked.

"Yes," the shark growled.

"Hold on one second." The blue haired female stood and ran out of the room. She returned a moment later with a nature calendar, acquired from who knows where. She flipped it open and ran her eyes over the current month's page, reading carefully. "Just as I thought." She flipped the calendar over for everyone to see. "It's weasel mating season."

You could have heard a pin drop.

Hidan burst into laughter, rolling all over the floor. "Oh my Jashin, Weasel's got a crush on the weasel, and the bitch thinks sharky's his mate…oh hell…"

"Sick 'em." Hidan was screaming in pain a moment later, halting the waves of oncoming laughter from the others.

"That means that when mating season's over, she'll turn on you," Pein pointed out, one eye still glued on the screaming zealot.

"I guess." Itachi sighed. "Weasel, come." A moment later the rodent was at his feet. "I guess we have to put it back."

"Finally," Kisame murmured, rising to his feet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~a field~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Itachi set his pet down on the ground, scratching behind its ear. "Go," he ordered, nudging the animal forward.

Weasel hesitated for only a moment before dashing away. "Farewell, Weasel," Itachi said, watching his pet scamper off into the sunset.

"Can we go now? This is so cliché I think I'm gonna be sick," Kisame said, half-expecting cheesy music to start playing in the background.

"Alright, I'm done," Itachi said, turning away from the field.

~~~~~~~~~~back at the base~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I can't believe that thing is finally gone," Kisame said in a relieved tone, flopping backwards onto the bed. Itachi stood at the foot of the mattress, staring at his partner with a strange look on his face. "What? Don't tell me you miss your little girlfriend already," Kisame said.

Itachi pounced on the shark. "Itachi?!"

"It's weasel mating season, and I'm horny. Do the math," Itachi ordered in a quiet voice before crashing his lips against Kisame's.


	2. EVIL WEASEL RETURNS!

SCRITCH SCRITCH

"Hmm?" Pein stood and walked over to the door to the base. Someone, or _something_, was scratching at the entrance to the base. Common sense told him not to let them in, but his curiosity wanted to know what it was. Finally giving in, he opened the door and saw…

Nothing.

The leader frowned. "Damn pranksters," he growled, deciding to let Deidara set up that exploding doorbell he'd been begging to install for weeks. He was about to shut the door, when he heard several hissing noises. He looked down and felt his heart sink down to his sandals. "Oh hell no."

"ITACHI!" Kisame and the Uchiha looked at the door when they heard Pein bellow from downstairs. "You'd better see what he wants," Kisame told his partner before returning to the book he was reading.

"Hn," Itachi replied, walking out the door and down the hall. When he arrived in the main room, he saw Pein standing with his arms crossed and a frown on his face. "Care to explain THIS?!" he demanded, pointing to the ground.

Itachi looked down and saw his former pet, as well as five little weasels.

"No."

"Kisame, they're staying."

"Itachi, do you even remember what happened the last time you had a weasel for a pet?!"

"Yes, you people through her out. But How can you deny shelter to a homeless mother of five?"

Not even the shark was that heartless. "That is pure evil," the shark growled.

"That's what I do," Itachi stated nonchalantly, petting the weasels that were curled up on his side of the bed.

"What are you naming them?"

"Weaslet , Weazy, Weasel II, Weazer, and Bob."

"…Wow."

"Is that a problem?" Itachi asked, glaring at his partner along with the six weasels.

"No no! It's just…oh Kami…"

"Come on, it's dinner time," Itachi said, standing and leading the weasels out of the room, leaving Kisame to wonder why these things kept happening to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~weeks pass~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The group was huddled downstairs in the kitchen, and Itachi proceeded to search the cabinet for food. Hidan walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table, watching the Uchiha look for food. He and Kakuzu had been gone on a mission, and he had yet to hear about the weasels' return. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Getting food," Itachi answered pulling out a box of crackers.

"Since when the hell do you eat crackers?"

"I don't. They do." Hidan looked down and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw the herd of weasels. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?!"

"She showed up on the doorstep with her kids. Pein didn't have the heart to turn them away."

"…Dude, just asking, so don't get pissed, but…"

"Well?"

"Are they yours?"

"…"

"Look, I'm just asking! You're both weasels, so-"

"No, Hidan, they're not." A sadistic smile crossed Itachi's face. "But, they're all…well trained."

Hidan's eyes widened. "Oh Jashin no." He tried to run, but it was already too late. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~return to weasel hell!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ok, something must be done about our weasel infestation!" Pein stated, slamming his bitten fist down on the table. An emergency meeting had been called in the living room, and all but the weasel population (including Itachi) were present.

"They've been eating us out of house and home!" Kakuzu declared, speaking about the ten dollar increase in their budget for weasel chow.

"They gnaw on my handmouths when I'm asleep, un!" Deidara added, holding up his bandaged limbs.

"And look at poor Hidan," Konan said, motioning to the Jashinist.

Hidan was curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth. "The weasels…the weasels…"

"Yeah, that's a problem," Pein said. "Ok, so does anyone have a plan?"

"We have to get rid of the main weasel," Sasori stated bluntly.

"**I vote bar-be-cue,"** Zetsu said.

"Maybe we could poison the weasels…"

"**Or deep fried weasel."**

"Perhaps just putting them out in the wild."

"**OK, baked weasel."**

"Zetsu, we are not cooking the rodents!"

"Rodents? **Oh we thought you meant Itachi.**" Before Pein could get another word in, the entire weasel group entered the living room.

Itachi stopped and looked around. "Ok, I'll bite. What are you doing?"

"Itachi," Kisame began. "We know you like those weasels. But they have to go!" Shouts in agreement were heard from every Akatsuki member. "Please, just get rid of them."

"Alright. As a matter of fact, I've been concocting an evil plan for a few weeks, and I think it's time to put it into effect."

"What kind of plan?" Kisame asked, curious.

"Follow me, and you shall see," Itachi said, walking towards the door with the weasels in tow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Konoha~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sasuke's eyes snapped open when he heard a window slide open. He listened and heard the sound of feet hitting the floor. There could be no mistake. Someone was definitely in his house.

Grabbing a knife from the bag he kept at the foot of his bed Sasuke stood and crept out of his bedroom, hugging the wall closely. He moved down the hallway very slowly, until he reached the corner. Taking a deep breath, he jumped out of his hiding place-

And came face to face with Itachi Uchiha.

"Itachi?!" he asked incredulously.

"Hello little brother."

Rage began to boil within the younger Uchiha. "This is it! I'm finally going to get revenge for all those people you killed!"

"Alright." Sasuke blinked in surprise at his brother's sudden resignation to his fate. "But first," Itachi went on, "may I say a few words?"

"I guess," Sasuke answered cautiously.

Itachi smiled. "Weasels (six pairs of ears perked up) sick 'em." Sasuke heard a group of hisses before he was attacked by several furry animals with sharp teeth and claws.

"OWW! Damn, what are these-GAAAH! ITACHI!"

"Well brother, I now leave you to your…well, weasel-y fate." Itachi jumped out of the window, still smirking as he heard his brother's screams. "With any luck, they'll chew his ears off…"


End file.
